How to Make Heaven!

Maybe it’s time to laugh and put smiles on people’s faces. Here are some Christian jokes that can make you laugh out loudly. They’re in my humble opinion; the best Christian Jokes of all time.

Being a Christian doesn’t stop you from telling/cracking Godly jokes once in a while. It can be used as a tool to spread the Gospel even. Read on for these lovely Christian Jokes.

My List of 50 Best Christian Jokes of all Time

You can use these Godly Christian Jokes to lighten your mode and that of the brethren in Godly fellowships. In fact, it is expected of us as Christians to brighten the faces of people around us and not to make them cry, except when the Gospel of repentance/judgment is being preached.

1. An Act of God

The church is struck by lightning. The insurance company refuses to pay out for damages incurred, as there is a specific disclaimer clause for “An act of God”, which, amongst others, lightning is classified as.

The priest goes to every household and asks for a donation to rebuild the church. One Christian farmer protested, “I’m sorry, Pastor, but I can’t give money to Somebody who set His own house alight!”

2. Where was

John Wilkes was once asked by a Roman Catholic gentleman in a warm dispute upon religion – “Where was your religion before Luther?”
“Did you wash your face this morning?” inquired the facetious alderman.
“I did, sir.” said Wilkes.
“Then pray where was your face before it was washed?”

3. do it again

At a Wednesday evening church meeting, a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony. “I’m a millionaire,” he said, “and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith like it was yesterday: I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God’s work or nothing at all.

So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today.” As he finished it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man’s story. But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said: “Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!”

4. Preacher Simmons

Preacher Simmons says things are getting better because he´s getting much better buttons in the collection.

5. Pushed it back in

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened. The man says, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye.” “Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asks. “Well,” the man says, “I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in.”

6. Pastor steals

A pastor was caught stealing in the church by a member of the church. This was the conversation between them Pastor: Blessed are those who see and don’t talk. Member: For they shall receive their share. Amen.

7. I heard about you in Sunday school

A chimney-sweeper one day rang the door-bell on his way from house to house and a little girl opened the door and became very scared.
“Well, my little girl,” the sweeper said. ” – Haven´t you seen me before?”
“No”, said the shaky girl, “but I´ve heard about you in Sunday School!”

8. Pope vs. a boss

The main distinction between a boss and the Pope is the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

9. Christian Doctor vs. Christian Patient

Christian Doctor: “Your recovery was a miracle!”
Christian Patient: “Thank God! Now I don’t have to pay you.”

10. whisper in my ear

Once there was a little boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, “Mommy, I have to piss.” The mother said, “Son don’t say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, ‘whisper’ because it is more polite.” The next Sunday, the little boy was sitting with his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom. He told his father, “Daddy I have to whisper.” The father said, “OK. Here, whisper in my ear.”

11. Skeletons in church

Q: Why cant skeletons play music at a church?
A: They have no organs.

12. I can’t lie in a church

One day a young teen was in a church for the first time and he got a seat net to a not-so-good-looking woman. The pastor was preaching and he said: “Tell your neighbour how beautiful they are” and the boy stood up and said pastor “How can you expect me to lie in a church?”

13. Automobiles in Jesus’ time

Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus’ time?
A:Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.

14. Garden of Eden

“I was told in Sunday school that radio started in the Garden of Eden. Do you believe that?” asked the little boy his father.
“Well”, said the father. -”Whoever told you that radio started in the Garden of Eden was probably referring to the time they took a rib out of Adam and used it to make the first loudspeaker.”

15. Give me a quotation from the Bible

“Give me a quotation from the Bible”, asked the Sunday School teacher.
” Judas went out and hanged himself”, answered little John.
“And another one?”
“Go thou and do likewise.”

16. Cannibal

What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary’s ear?
He had his first taste of Christianity!

17. The greatest comedian in the Bible

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson. He brought the house down.

18. No paper in this one either

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box but says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still, the man says nothing. T

he priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies – “No use knocking’ mate – there’s no paper in this one either”.

19. The smartest man in the Bible

Q: Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
A: Abraham. He knew a Lot.

20. Just two words

A man entered a silent religious order where you were only allowed to say two words a year, to the Bishop. At the end of his first year, the man was asked by the Bishop for his two words. As he had felt hungry often during the year, he replied “More food.”
By the end of his second year he had often felt cold so when asked by the Bishop for his two words, he replied “More blankets.”
During his third year he came to realise that he was not really suited to a silent order, so when he came before the bishop to utter his two words he told the bishop that he had not been very happy these last three years and was leaving the order.
The Bishop replied, “You may as well go, you’ve done nothing but complain since you arrived.

21. For the sick

A little 9-year-old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said, “Can we leave now?” “No” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” “Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.”

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. “Did you throw up?” her mother asked. “Yes,” the little girl replied. “Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?” “I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy” the little girl replied, “They have a box next to the front door that says ‘for the sick’.”

22. Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!”(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven…) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,”Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.” “Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Ax and Two 38’s!”

23. Mark 17

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

24. Unwanted Visitor

A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the “uppity”. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the church’s image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”

The deacon suggested that the man should go and pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, “Did you get a different answer?”

The man replied, “Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don’t want me in that church and the Lord said, ‘Don’t worry about it son; I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and haven’t made it yet.”

25. Cost of sermons

One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: “My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons…a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.

“Now, we’ll take the collection and see which one I’ll deliver.”

26. Now we run!

A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child’s level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?” To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”

27. A special hymn

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression, he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”

28. Stolen Goose

Confessor: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!
Priest: That is very wrong.
Confessor: Would you like to accept it, Father?
Priest: Certainly not- return it to the man whom you stole it from.
Confessor: But I have offered it to him and he won’t have it.
Priest: In that case, you may keep it yourself.
Confessor: Thank you, Father.

The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen…

29. Garden of Eden

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. “Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.” “Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.” “No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian.”

30. Best way to pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. “Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said. “No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.” “You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.” The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

31. Hereafter

The Pastor came to visit the other day. He said that at my advanced age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, “Oh, I do it all the time. “No matter where I am – in the living room, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I am always asking myself: “Now, what am I here after?”

32. In a Minute

A man trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: “God, how long is a million years to you?” God answered: ” A million years is like a minute. “Then the man asked: “God, how much is a million dollars to you?” And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny. “Finally the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?” And God said, “In a minute.”

33. Job

Q: Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
A: He thought he saw a job.

34. Devil in church

A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old woman. When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked: “aren’t you afraid of me, I’m evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!” The woman replied, “You don’t scare me, I’ve been married to your elder brother for 35 years.”

35. Peter was a rich fisherman

Q: How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
A: By his net income.

36. Your Guardian Angel

You know your guardian angel is always with you”, said the pastor to one of the members of his congregation.
“Does he eat with me”, asked the surprised man.
“Oh,yes”
“Does he sleep with me?” was the man´s next question.
“Oh,sure he does!”
“Well”, said the man. -”I´ll bet he´s the fellow that kicked me out of bed last night.

37. Fowl language

Q: Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
A: Because they use such FOWL language.

38. April Fools

I just recently discovered that there is a national holiday named after Atheism. April FOOLS day.

39. Sudden Haircut

A pastor who was known for his lengthy sermons noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.

Afterward, the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

‘I went to get a haircut,’ the man replied.

‘Why didn’t you do that before the service?’ the pastor exclaimed.

‘Well,’ the man said, ‘because I didn’t need one then.’

40. A cock

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation,

‘Has anybody got a cock?  All the men stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’  All the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’ t belong to them?’ Half the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’  Sixteen altar boys, two priests, and a goat stood up.

The priest fainted.

41. The tourist

A Christian tourist walks in a forest and meets a bear. Not knowing what to do, he prays loudly: “God, please make this bear to have Christian thoughts.” At that moment the bear crosses his paws, he says: “God, bless this meal!”

42. Genesis 3:10

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card that had printed “Revelation 3:20” on the back of it for just such an occasion, and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.

Added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.” Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”   Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.”

43. Noah’s ark

Q: How many people went on the Ark before Noah?
A: Three! Because it is written “And Noah went forth onto the Ark!”

44. Riddle

Q: What kind of car did the Apostles drive?
A: A Honda, because in the book of Acts it says, “the Apostles were all in one Accord.”

45. The first businessman

The teacher asked her accounting class: “Who do you think was the first businessman?”

One hand shot up. it was Noah, miss,” said the bright lad.
“Noah, why Noah?”
“Well, while all the rest of the world went into liquidation, Noah floated his own company

46. A lawyer and a doctor

A very rich man was dying and in his final moment he only wanted to meet two persons. Everyone was curious because he only asked to meet his doctor and his lawyer.

He did not even ask to have his wife and children by his side before he took his last breath.

The truth came to light when his wife stumbled upon his diary many months after he passed away.

He wrote, ‘When I die I must be like Christ who had two thieves by HIS side”

47. Who shot the deer

Two men went hunting and shot at a deer at the same time. Since they used the same type of guns and there was only one bullet entry wound on the deer they started arguing over who actually shot the deer.

They sought help from the park ranger who happened to pass by. “The preacher shot the deer”, remarked the park ranger after examining the dead deer.

The two men were surprised and asked how he knew that one them is a preacher.

“Well, it is very simple,” replied the park ranger, “the bullet entered from one ear of the deer and went straight out through the other ear.”

48. Technology

Q: Who was the first person on earth to download files from the cloud

A: Moses, he downloaded the commandments directly from cloud

49. Little lamb

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

50. God will save me

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?” The preacher calmly said “No, God will save me.” A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?” The preacher replied again, “No God will save me.” Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?” God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”

Your Turn

What do you think of these lovely Christian Jokes? Are they funny, boring or could be improved upon? Share your opinion, views and recommendations with me in the comments section below.